Introspective
POSTED AT 02:04 PM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

They say that the only thing permanent in this world is change. But when you think about it, some things just don't. No matter how hard you try. I moved to a different county, I have my first job, I met new people -- but, I still cry alone.

Currently listening to: Rustling of papers
Currently feeling: confused

Light at the Edge of Darkness
POSTED AT 02:02 AM

CarizzCruzem

 

 

So, here it is, the book I've mentioned earlier. Light at the edge of darkness is a compilation of Biblical speculative fiction, 28 short stories by 17 authors.

There's also a book trailer.

Just click the links and you'll find more information about the book.

You can get the book in Amazon and in The Writer's Cafe.

Finally!
POSTED AT 12:04 AM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

I finally did it. Update.

 

Too many things had happened. The past year had been a roller coaster ride, emotion-wise:

 

One of my short stories made it in an anthology, which I’ll shamelessly plug.

 

I bought books.

 

I stopped schooling.

 

I bought books.

 

I’m single again after ten years, a month and five days.

 

I bought books.

 

I went to Zambales for a youth camp.

 

I bought books.

 

I went to Bulacan for a spiritual retreat.

 

I bought books.

 

A close friend and I stopped talking.

 

I bought books.

 

I met a new friend in person.

 

I bought books.

 

The close friend and I started talking again.

 

I bought books.

 

I continue schooling.

 

I bought books.

 

I almost play drums in the assembly of our church service.

 

I bought books.

 

I play bass guitar in the assembly of our church service.

 

I bought books.

 

End result: I’ve filled up two shelves of books.

 

A book has become my constant companion along the ride. It takes my mind off my current situation and brings me in the places between its pages. It might be viewed as running away. But sometimes, when it gets too hard that you start thinking of ending it all, you resort to putting all your attention to one thing, which soon becomes addictive. Some people drink or do drugs; others work themselves nonstop in work or in school. For me, it’s books—while on a jeepney, on a bus, on a tricycle; while in class, in my mom’s eatery; while walking, eating, standing, sitting, lying on bed…sometimes, I don’t sleep.

 

It has come to a point where I bring just enough money for transportation so I won’t have extra money to even go to a bookstore, much less buy one. If I have even some extra for food, I’d skip eating and buy myself a book. I’m that addicted to books.

 

Last week, I went to a mall to buy things for engineering drawing. While I was in line to pay for the stuff, what else would I see?

So, I paid for the engineering drawing materials, plus a John Grisham book. Sweet.

Writer Father
POSTED AT 11:00 PM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

Logic.

Math is the best example of logic. It uses definite formulas and constant values.

My school is forty-eight kilometres away from our house. But you use miles. So you divide it by 1.609 and find out that forty-eight kilometres is almost thirty miles. It is always 1.609 if you compare mile and kilometer. Just like with a circle which is always 360 degrees no matter how small or how big it is.

So let’s do a simple math problem. Divide five to five thousand. Logic says that the answer is 0.001. But there was one instance when the answer to that was 5000 plus the number of women and children present plus twelve basketfuls leftover.

Illogical?

Only if you don’t believe that Jesus did feed five thousand men and uncounted number of women and children, with five loaves of bread and a couple of fish. The Bible says that after all those people ate and were satisfied, the disciples picked up the leftover broken pieces and gathered twelve basketfuls.

As a child, I read the Bible for the stories. I would open the Bible to Genesis and be amazed at the thought that animals could be created with just a few words. And then I’d skip the part when God punished Adam, Eve and the snake—too depressing for a five-year-old.

I’d read on and read about Noah. When I got better with my math, I counted a hundred years span between the time when God said to Noah that He’d clean the earth and the time when He shut the ark’s door. Talk about long-suffering.

In Genesis chapter 11, I found out why all these other languages exist. So now, I have to learn English just so you can understand me. Pride is a very bad thing. We must be very careful lest God confuse the places of our body parts and turn our noses upside down. We’d be forever blinking because of the air coming out our nose holes.

Talking donkey, the familiar spirit of a prophet showing itself to an Endor witch and a king, a prophet taken up to heaven by a chariot of fire, dead man coming back to life because he was thrown into a cave that kept the bones of a prophet, a man inside a big fish’s stomach for three days and three nights, common people speaking other languages without learning them in school—the Bible is full of extraordinary stories.

Psalm 139:16 (KJV) Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

God has a book and He wrote you in it.

2 Timothy 3:16 (KJV) “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:"

May we all walk after our writer Father’s path while being taught, rebuked, corrected and trained in righteousness in developing and honing our writing skill.

God is the greatest writer of all time. Because of His words, lives are changed.

...yet another crossroad
POSTED AT 01:55 AM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

I'm here, standing in the middle of the road. I know which way to turn to and continue my journey. But I'm taking my time. After all, I don't want to go back here in the middle of the road when the road I choose gets tough.

There are some things that I must leave behind to lighten my heavy burden. Things that almost dragged me down in a mire. Things that I wouldn't have thought of leaving because they (or he?) have become a part of me. But continuing on my journey requires me to be right with my Best Friend and my Lord. As this thing has become a part of me, it would take some kind of a surgery to get it off me. I would bleed. But I know I'll be restored and come out a better and stronger person.

It hurts, of course. But no, I am not bitter. This is my choice and I'll take full responsibility of it. I am not blaming anyone. It's all my fault. I have wallowed on it too long. But, it's about time to stand up and get moving.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am once again clueless of what lies ahead. I've become accustomed to the way things are. I've actually accepted as a fact that I am hopeless. But I cannot throw away my life just like that. Somebody is now looking up to me and waiting which way to go to next. I am clueless, but I know I'll be well taken care of. I know the road I choose to go to is not entirely paved, but I am confident and I know this is the right way... His way.

I am left with this teeny-weeny bit of a sweet thing piggybacking me. I am now ready to walk again, head held up high with sure steps and a small bundle of joy having forty winks peacefully and contentedly on my back. I know I won't be alone. I am walking with Jesus.

My journey continues...

Currently listening to: It Is Well
Currently reading: The Purpose Driven Life
Currently feeling: content

...turning 24
POSTED AT 12:41 AM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

man, whew! i just turned 24 yesterday. wow! T-W-E-N-T-Y-F-O-U-R.

last two days ago, i was thinking that i would spend my birthday in the library. not a sad thought. it was actually a relaxing and a peaceful thought. for the past weeks, i haven't been able to read a book... i mean, read by my own volition. so spending a day in the library was my plan of celebrating my birthday. i'm a book eater (hehe). i'm drooling whenever i see a book.

but i started my day in school waiting for professors to show up and have them sign my clearance sheet.

then at about 4pm i went to mcdonald's and treat myself with float and fries. one of my favorite things to do when i'm stressed.

after eating, i still didn't feel like going home, so i went on a beach resort. there were too many people everywhere except on the playground area. instinctively, i went there. believe it or not, i'm a person who appreciates silence. i was wrong though. i thought there wasn't anyone there. haha. there were a few kids playing by the swing. they were hidden by the bushes that was why i didn't see them. but it was alright. i just sat on the lawn and watched them play.

being a kid... haaaay...

7pm, i headed for home.

i knew my parents would somehow do something special for my day. there wasn't a single march 21 in my life that had passed without being celebrated. so yes, upon reaching home, there were quite a few people in the house. it was... hmmm... alright. i'm thankful that my parents went out their way to prepare. but they were celebrating one other thing. about my school. they said that one of my professors called up and said something about my school performance. now, i'm not so sure with that one. coz no one in school has talked to me about anything, academic-wise. so yes, i still have to confirm it before i tell all about it here.

my brother told me that my prof asked me to call back. i was surprised. coz it was like 8pm already. school is supposed to be closed at 5pm. i felt weird dialing school number at 8 in the evening. but i was answered with, "AMA CLC Rosario, g'morning ah e, g'afternoon ah e g'night" that was m'gerley. i said "good evening maam". haha. she didn't even know anymore how to answer the phone at that time. i asked for s'joel, the professor who asked me to call back. he didn't tell me about anything that concerned my school performance. he just asked me to help him encode some things. i typed a little fast, so i get all these requests all the time. and then he told me that i should come and talk to him because i have a big part in the graduation mass. i asked if i was doing the sermon. i mean, it is the only big part in any mass, right? he laughed.

hmmm... i wasn't expecting my birthday to be celebrated. a simple greeting, just the thought that people remembered, would do. i mean really. i wouldn't be hurt if my parents didn't prepare anything for it. actually, i don't mind at all if people didn't greet me. it was alright. but of course, i expected a few people that are the closest to me to greet me. i'd be hurt if they didn't... family (my, dy and 3 siblings); one person i only know online but has been making a huge impact in my life, heck if i don't see him online, i panic; sean, a very close friend; and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, yes the Richard Bach bird... hehe. my birthday was complete when all these 8 individuals greeted me. they didn't forget. i'm grateful.

now, how do i feel that i'm 24? hmmm... honestly speaking, i don't feel anything has changed. it's just a number. i'm not ashamed that i am older. coz people in school tease me that i am older than 95% of school population. it's alright. i don't care. some people can't believe that i'm 24 already. maybe because i don't act like a "normal" girl errr lady errr woman (still confused). i don't put make up on or wear high-heeled shoes. i don't use face powder. hair is always down and is combed only after bathing. walk fast. laughter isn't controlled. t-shirt and jeans, my usual get up. i'm weird, they say. i like it to be that way though.

what a birthday...

Currently feeling: cheerful

The longest motorbike ride of my life
POSTED AT 01:23 AM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

Just three hours ago, I was slicing potatoes and carrots into cubes. Dy, having asthma attack yet again, was going in and out of their room. The only other person awake was Charizz, my younger sister, playing PC games.

When I was done, I asked Charizz to wake me up at 2 am to give way for her because I had to use the computer as well. Dy, still awake, was sitting on our couch having a hard time breathing. I slept. I wasn’t alarmed by the attack. You get used to it when you see it happening 3 or 4 times a week.

Once my back touched the bed, I was gone into oblivion of dreams. I dreamt that Charizz was telling me that she and Dy were going to Medicare Hospital.

“Ate, phst! Gising na! Pupunta kami ni Daddy sa Medicare. Two na.”

“O sige, gisingin mo na lang uli ako pag balik nyo.”

After a while…

“Ate! Gising ka na!”

“Oo nga! Gisingin mo na lang ako pagbalik nyo!”

“Nakabalik na kami. Gumising ka! Pupunta tayo ng Medicare. Bibili uli ng nebule.”

I didn’t move.

“Carizz…” I heard Dy’s weak voice, almost pleading.

I got up at once, took the motorbike key and started for the door.

“Mag…pan…talon… ka...,” Dy tried to say, still concerned at how I look even in his situation.

I went back to my room, put on my school pants, ran to the motorbike with Charizz following behind me. She unlocked the two gates. I started the engine. It roared, “Carizz!” I was confused for a while when I realized it was My’s voice.

“Po?!”

“Dalhin mo sa San Lorenzo Daddy mo!”

“Opo!”

“Dad bilis!”

Dy sat behind me. “Go…,” he said, still pleading. I drove in haste.

“Dy, kapit po kayo sa’kin,” as my left hand searches for his hand to put on my shoulder.

“He… sus!” I could hear him saying.

It was supposed to be a five-minute ride only. But I felt like I was driving far too slow than I should. I could notice the houses, the lights, the dog crossing the street… everything. Then I looked at the speedometer. It was pointing between 100 and 110.

This can’t be right!

“He… sus!” Dy, still pleading.

How do you drive this thing faster? I argued with myself while my left hand was still holding Dy’s hand on my shoulder and my right hand guiding the steering wheel.

“He… sus!” he pleaded on.

Damn motorbike!

“He…sus!” his voice still pleading.

I held on to his hand while I overtook the jeepney in front of us.

“Em… m… mer… gency…,”   he told me as I drove in the hospital parking lot. I drove straight to the hospital wing where it said “Emergency”, stopped the engine and didn’t bother locking the motorbike.

“Hin… dipoakomakahinga,” Dy said in one breath. I saw a nurse put a tube with two holes to his nose (I later found out was oxygen). I looked at the doctor and said, “Hika po.” Then everyone moved. One brought a nebulizer, another inserted a needle through his left hand for dextrose, another one gave him a chair to sit on coz he wouldn’t lie on the bed in front of him. I was thankful and cursed the movie I saw some years ago with this guy bleeding to death but wasn’t treated because he had no money in him. My hand involuntarily went inside my pocket and I felt a 25-centavo coin. Yeah, right! I rushed Dy to a private hospital and I only have 25 centavos on me. After a while, I could see him breathing normally again.

A guy tugged on me. “Pakitabi lang po yung motorbike.”

When I reached for the door a voice in me said, “Isn’t this what I want? This is the moment I’ve been praying for. He is dying.” I put the key in the ignition and started guiding the motorbike to the side. I want to see him die.

When I came back inside, I stood beside him. Then this other guy was mouthing something to me. I made out “Phone”. He held out the receiver to me. I took it.

“Hello”

“Ate, sunduin mo na daw si Mommy dito,” I heard Charizz’ voice at the other end of the line.

I hung up.

“Dy, sunduin ko lang po si My.”

Dy nodded.

As I was leaving, the nurse asked a few questions.

“Pangalan ni tatay?” she started asking.

“Armando Cruzem the third.”

“Epilyido?”

“Cruzem.”

“Pangalan? Arturo?”

“Armando po. The third”

He didn’t put III.

If it was another occasion I would insist she put III.

“Ilang taon na?” she continued asking.

Uhm… ilan nga ba? Teka… 3 years tanda ni My… 1961 si Dy… I did a quick math in my mind and said aloud, “45”.

The nurse didn’t hide the shocked looked on her face. I understood. Dy doesn’t look his age. He looks older… someone in his 60’s. I get this a lot, so I wasn’t surprised or hurt, for that matter, even a bit. Some years ago, someone even thought My was Dy’s granddaughter.

“Yun lang po?” I asked.

She nodded, still wearing that shocked face.

While on the way back to our house the same voice in me said, “No, I didn’t want him dead. I just said that because I was angry. Lord, if you heal him… heal him completely… then I’ll serve you, just like what he wants.” The ride this time was quicker.

I waited outside while Charizz kept on bombarding me with questions. In times like this, I keep my mouth shut as much as possible. I didn’t want to say anything… yet. After some minutes, My went out the house and sat behind me. I started the engine and drove.

“Bakit dito?” she asked.

“Mas malapit po dito.”

“Sa San Lorenzo?”

I just squeezed her hand on my shoulder and I drove on. She stopped asking.

On the way back to the hospital, I couldn’t help but think how idiotic I reacted at the situation. First, I got too confused so as to leave the house in short shorts. Then, the way I took to the hospital. I thought about it and cursed myself for taking that route. It was a long cut! But still, under normal circumstances, it would only take me 5 minutes to go to San Lorenzo through that route in 40 mph! But it felt like an hour. I cursed myself for being so idiotic in the time when I needed my brain the most.

Now, My and Dy are in the hospital. Dy told me to go back home because I have school. Damn! I feel like crying now. I remember how I treated him for these past few months. Of course, I still followed what he wanted me to do, but under my breath, I was wishing him dead. There were times when I just couldn’t take the scolding. True, there were some facts to what he’d been scolding me about, but I still thought it was too much.

I don’t know. I am wearing Dy’s wedding ring now. The doctor told me to take the jewelries he was wearing and take out everything from his pocket. From his pocket, I found his driver’s license, SurfMaxx internet card, M. Lhuillier Pawnshop receipt and a 20-peso bill. And they are all lying here in front of me while I’m typing this. I guess the pawnshop receipt was from when he pawned his other ring to pay for the hospital bill of the elderly lady my brother crashed into while driving a motorbike. So yeah, if My didn’t come, we have P20.25 between Dy and me.

I think I will keep Dy’s wedding ring until he recovers… fully.

How do I feel now? Hmmmm… I don’t really know. But one thing is for sure, I won’t be talking much today… thinking about things. Actually, I feel guilty going online while Dy’s in the hospital.

I'm thankful that Dy taught me how to drive.

And with that, adieu…

Currently listening to: my heartbeat
Currently feeling: blank

yet another disaster...
POSTED AT 02:34 AM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

For the last two weeks, I've been busy. I didn't have time to go to OJT. And to top it all off, I'm not even sure if I'll graduate this coming April though I worked my ass off. It's because of pre-defense which was scheduled yesterday, the last day of Prefinal-Examination.

This whole week was filled with times in front of the computer... my computer, school's computer, my other classmates' computer... and I bring my flash memory with me so I could sneak in a "session of debugging" whenever and wherever situation permitted me to do so. Yeah, debug... debug... debug.

And, the thing is, I got rid of bugs only yesterday... yeah, yeah, I'm that bad a student! Then I tried to save it to a diskette, only to find out that it exceeded diskette capacity. I tried to save it to the flash memory, but no, the flash memory was bewitched. It couldn't be detected. So I had to buy a cd and burn my program. Hmmm... oh well...

In the pre-defense room, I was quite nervous and quiet. I kept thinking that I overlooked a bug and the whole thing wouldn't work at all. Then I overheard a panel remarked about some "landslide". I couldn't help but ask what happened. Yeah, I'm that snoopy a girl... errr a lady... errr a woman? Whatever!

It shocked me, but the pre-defense got the better of me. It was alright. I didn't cry. Everyone was smiling. The program needs minor adjustments and some additions. I am content...

When I got home, I just slept. I didn't even eat. And then while sleeping, I remembered that I didn't eat the whole day yesterday. Oh well, I could hear my stomach grumbling now.

Then this morning, the reality of what happened in Leyte sets in. I searched for the words "Philippines+mudslide" and websites from giant news network popped up.

Ultra stampede and then this. The stampede didn't get as much as attention from all over the world, but this one did. I even found an Irish news network that has an article about the mudslide.

Well today is Sunday... and my dad kept asking me to bathe already because we'll be late for church. I will write more later... if God permits it that I'm still alive and well...

[Update]

What happened there was terrible. They said the reason behind the mudslide was deforestation. Few trees hold the earth. So whose fault was that?

The reason I'm ranting about that mudslide is the child I saw in the photo--one of the victims. Children move me the most. It pains me to see children hurting. It seemed an unjust affair for them to be included in this dire setting.

When I realized, or almost feel, what these people are facing right now, I feel ashamed of my actions these past few days. I've been cranky the whole two weeks that passed. I still think I don't deserve to be treated the way they did. But, hey, my life isn't in danger. I know I said I wanted to end everything. But when I think about it, one question pervades my thought process, "Am I ready to face my eternity?" I doubt...

I just hope... hmmm... well I wish things are better.

They're not though... so... hmmm...

Currently feeling: confused

I'm hating 2006
POSTED AT 03:21 AM in My thoughts

CarizzCruzem

nothing is working right this morning.

it's a new year... but things in the past have their claws on me.

my brother had an accident. he's just 15 but he knows how to drive a motorbike. so yeah, the old lady he crashed into is in the hospital right now and is in a terrible condition.

people will definitely not connect me to the accident, but my parents can still find a way to somehow blame it on me. every bad thing that happens in this family is blamed on me.

why? well because i was a bad daughter. no good thing can i do now could erase the bad things i did... be it nine years ago. to them, i'm still that bad daughter.

when my other siblings do bad things, i'm always the perfect example of the consequence of being bad. whatever it might be... even small things like not obliging to their command of going to the store to buy a 2-peso biscuit... they sure to mention my name and go over to the bad things i did. funny. even if i was when the bad thing happened, making my way through the labyrinth that is a market and with fingers turning blue from carrying a heavy load of viand... i'll still be blamed.

i try to do good things. i try being nice. i try smiling even when i feel like crying. but no... those things are not enough... will never be enough. it hurts.

it's not a good feeling. i hate feeling this way. i don't want to feel this way.

i realized, while walking a kilometer from the market to our eatery, i feel this way because i'm expecting too much and because i think i'm important. well, i think it's time to change my mindset.

i am not important and i should not expect good things to happen. so that when something bad happens, i won't get hurt. if people do bad things to me, it's because i am not important. but i should also try to do just right because i don't want to bother people. i was thinking of running in the street when a truck passed by. but then, i stopped. i realized that i shouldn't do that. why? well because the flow of everyone's job would get interrupted. the truck would stop, or if it would be a hit and run, they'll be guilty. and my family would go through the process of my burial. they're not that heartless as to just throw me into the river. so yeah, i don't want them to go through all that.

so now, i'm trying not to get hurt by thinking that things are because i am not important.

this morning, our computer wouldn't work. the programs i've been working on for the past two weeks are saved in this computer. sleepless nights, skipped meals, beatings from my brother, and scoldings from everyone would be nulled.

i won't care about much anymore. why? well because if i do, i'd get hurt. i feel strong about people throwing their garbage in the street. they unwrap their candy and then just drop the wrapper. people get a lecture from me because of that. and when people are discriminated, i'm the first one to retaliate against the oppressor. but i won't do that anymore. why should i? why should i care for the nature? why should i care for this little people? no. now, i'll be unimportant and forget my principles.